I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Bread puns are on the rise!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”