Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
When someone trying to leave me
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.