A gym so fancy they call it a James.
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Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee