The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Thursday Thought.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY