I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
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me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me