me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.