Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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Has there ever been a more American story?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
This was my dad’s browser history.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?