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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Jupiter
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?