To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.