LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew