How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*