F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?