My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
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Spotted in New Orleans.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
They got Raph!
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.