Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
work smarter, not harder
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999