why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
mumsnet is amazing
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.