If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
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Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
One day youâre young and spry and the next youâre watching videos of people taste testing their friendsâ Subway sandwich orders.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Before & after đ
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
wow itâs a good thing this mug says âCOFFEEâ on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Turns out pizza has everything Iâm looking for in a woman
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey weâre making another Expendables if youâre interested
âCleanâ my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.