my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You Might Also Like
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Check out the legs on this baby
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.