I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
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CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT