Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
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DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity