“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
They’re the worst 😩
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”