When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
You Might Also Like
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Think I pulled my liver
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.