As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
i hate you platonically
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Baller is short for ballerina