A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway