Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
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Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..