My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
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Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.