Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Mornin
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
#parenting
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes