*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.