Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?