I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
You Might Also Like
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”