Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”