Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.