Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface