My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
any last words?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Happy Febuary everyone!
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.