Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”