The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
This is Sparta
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away