[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
At least he brought enough for everyone
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”