live, laugh, laundry.
You Might Also Like
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Choose your fighter
kitchen magnet
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.