“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
You Might Also Like
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Dune (2021)
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
How does one answer this?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book