I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂