[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
this is me
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here