I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
“Great, now I have to pee.”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.