Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not