If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.