[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
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Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
This is my cat’s medicine.
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So I bought a second pair.
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.