Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
You Might Also Like
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Did my cat write this
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals