if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
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[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.