I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Simple enough.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”