When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds