Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
pat pat
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.