Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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Succinctly put.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!